The Quibbler!
by RandomUser674
Summary: The only place to get COMPLETELY RANDOM and HUMOROUS news in the wizarding world! We worked on this for months, so NO FLAMES!
1. Article Table of Contents

**Hi! Welcome to the Quibbler Press! This is where you get all the exciting, humorous info on random things in the Wizarding World! This is the Halloween 2007 edition of the Quibbler. (There used to be coolio graphics, but you obviously can't see them.) (My friends and I worked on this for two and a half months, so no flames!) **

**ARTICLES**

**Scrimgeour: Minister or Sinister?**

**Encountering Nargles **(How to avoid them and what to do if you see one!)

**Crumple-Horned Snorkacks "Silent But Deadly"**

Letters To The Editor

Freshwater Plimpies—a Delicacy!

Blibbering Humdingers: Buzzing or Humming?

Ask Luna

Wrackspurts: Invisible Meddlers

So You Want to Be a Death Eater

Voldemort's Secret Love Affair

Halloween: The True Story of How it Came to Be

Charlie Vs Ron: Deathmatch

Min-Yin: Good Broom or Evil Minion?

My Long Lost Brother is a Mass Murderer

Gnomes: Lucky & Lovable!

Chocolate Frogs: Delicious or Deadly?

The Problem With Quidditch

Treacle Tarts: Are They Really Worth It?

Voldemort in Muggle Jail

Searching For Love

Remembering the Dead

Voldemort for President

Ministry Tips for Halloween

**Remembering the Dead**

**Voldemort For President**

**Ministry Tips For Halloween**


	2. Scrimgeour: Minister or Sinister?

**Scrimgeour:** Minister or _Sinister?_

Our beloved Minister of Magic, Rufus Scrimgeour, is a vampire. It is, perhaps, hard to believe, but for your own safety you must know the truth. Here are a couple suspicious facts.

Has anyone actually _seen_ the Minister during the day? You may argue that in the_ Prophet_ he is always pictured in bright sunlight but is it _really_ so difficult to fake the lighting of such pictures? Is the sun really that bright _all the time_? Or is he hiding something? No one has ever actually seen Scrimgeour out during the day, except supposedly the photographers. But has anyone ever met these photographers? No. That is because they are never seen again after taking their pictures.

What about the frequent "trips" the Minister often makes? He says that he is merely taking "a day off", but is he really? Again, the truth may surprise you. He is looking for his next victim. Only a handful of people have met with the Minister, and many of them are never again heard from after such encounters.

After all of this evidence, is it really so difficult to believe that our trusted Minister of Magic is hiding something from us. Perhaps the secret that _he isn't human?_ Of course, the _Daily Prophet _would never write the truth as it is. By writing this, I am risking my very life to a vampire's wrath. Be warned, and remember, nothing is ever as it seems.

-I. M. Voll D'mortt


	3. Encountering Nargles

Encountering Nargles

(How to avoid them and what to do if you see one!)

Have you ever seen a Nargle, or had an experience with one before? If the answer is no, you should keep it that way…or attempt to. People have probably seen many Nargles, but they are invisible, so you cannot see them unless you pour some Revealing Potion on them.

Nargles often hide in mistletoe, and when unsuspecting couples meet under it, BAM! They attack! Nargles are small, about the size of a walnut, and have minute teeth which they will sink into your flesh if you get close enough, and if you annoy them. Their teeth have poison in them, which will make you babble randomly nonstop for a whole day.

Nargles are devilish little creatures, and love to play pranks. Once they know that you know about them, they will constantly annoy you to no end. They will steal items from you and hide them, but not so it's impossible to find. Sometimes they will destroy your belongs, but never beyond repair.

Most people do not believe in Nargles, though, so don't think you can use Nargles as an excuse to not turn in your homework for school. However, we recommend you keep valuables and important things (like jewelry, prized possessions, and homework) locked up in safe places, and avoid mistletoe at all costs. If you say, "But I want to kiss someone on Christmas under the mistletoe," think it through. Would you rather have your kiss and be babbling, or wait till the mistletoe is gone and not be babbling? Personally, I'd take the second option, because Nargles rarely show any mercy, and they're very alert.

If you happen to catch a Nargle before it bites you though, then you should flick it off quickly and RUN. Usually you can outrun Nargles. So next time you're passing by mistletoe, don't stop under it, hurry away in the opposite direction!

—Ura Squib


	4. CrumpleHorned Snorkacks

CRUMPLE-HORNED SNORKACKS

"SILENT BUT DEADLY"

CRUMPLE-HORNED SNORKACKS are silent but deadly evil purple lizards. They are large, monstrous and conspicuous but can turn invisible when wanted. They are very rare, and I was lucky enough to have stumbled upon one. In the forests of South America, they roam the lands, invisible to the Muggle eye, searching for unsuspecting prey.

My close friend, Ima Witch, and I took a closer look in on a mother Snorkack. (Of course, we used a disillusionment charm, for mother Snorkack would have ripped us apart on first sighting.) Snorkacks are very protective of their eggs, which are light sea greens with sky blue specks. Baby Snorkacks often stay with their mother, but sometimes, like wizard children, wonder off into trouble. Baby Snorkacks are a lilac color with rose-colored spots, while the mother is a plum color with orange spots. Baby Snorkack wings are not fully developed, so they cannot fly until they grow older. Snorkack horns posses magical powers, as so if they shatter, they can repair themselves within minutes. Snorkacks are usually gentle, but they can be vicious at times. I was lucky enough to have witnessed one of these harsh moments. Snorkacks turn invisible, but we could see them with our Snorkack-Sighting Goggles, as advertised in this magazine. They first sneak up on their prey, moving soundlessly, then leap upon them with force so great that it crushes the prey's entire body. It then sets them aflame with their fire-breath, and when the flames goes out, rips them apart and swallows it in large chunks. To sum it all up, Crumple-Horned Snorkacks are very dangerous and fascinating creatures.

Written By U. R. A. Piximann


	5. Letters to the Editor

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Dear Editor,

I was bitten by a Snarglepuff and my hand has swelled to the size of a watermelon! What should I do? I tried boiling it in hot water, baking it in a Muggle oven, sticking it in a fire, even feeding it to my dog. Now it is the size of a large pumpkin! Help me!!!

Yours truly,

Maya Hans Swoallinup

Dear Editor,

I think that my neighbor, Anne, is a werewolf. Last night, I found this huge wolf-like dog in my backyard. It was just standing there looking at me and wagging its tail. Then, all of the sudden, Anne's husband, Robert, comes running out of the house. He runs right into my yard shouting, "Oh, thank goodness you've found her! She had gotten out and I couldn't find her anywhere!" I'd been meaning to ask Anne about her pumpkin juice recipe, but when I asked Robert if she was home, his reply was, "Oh, no, she's been ill today, but I'll tell her to come over as soon as she's well." And he put a leash on the dog and walked away. It wasn't until the next morning that I realized that there had been a full moon that night. The dog must have been Anne! Of course I confronted her about this, but she looked at me funny and just said that her dog had gotten out of the house and run off. I'd never believe a story like that! Again, the next week, the same thing happened. Of course, it wasn't a full moon, but what if she's some kind of werewolf that changes every week instead of every month? What would _you_ do?

-Lycanne Thrope

To: Mr. Editor

I love the Quibbler! But my parents think its utter rubbish. They even said (don't tell anyone this, or I'll personally hex you to oblivion) that if I ever read it again, they won't let me go back to Hogwarts! I am obsessed with the _Quibbler_, but I really want to go back to Hogwarts. My parents are even checking my mail to make sure I'm not getting it mailed. So would you mind disguising the issues for me? I'll pay double (or maybe even triple) if you do that for me!

From: Ceetha Phoenix

Editor-

I love your magazine! _The Quibbler_ is awesome! I'm in love with it. I wanna marry it! In fact, the wedding is next weekend. I'm engaged to a magazine! I will track you down, Editor, and attack you until you let me join the _Quibbler_ crew!

-Krayz E. Fann

To: The Editor of My Favorite Magazine-

I can't be sure if this will get to you, but the world has to hear this. I accidentally traveled three-thousand years into the past. I closed my eyes and BAM! I was in the middle of the jungle and cavemen were looking at me strangely. This went on for some time until BAM! I opened my eyes and I was back at my post at the centaur office at the ministry. I immediately wiped the drool of my face and began writing this letter.

With Hope That This Gets To You,

Justin Thyme


	6. Freshwater Plimpies

Freshwater Plimpies—a Delicacy!

Many people go fishing in freshwater streams. A common creature to catch is a freshwater plimpie. They are not very hard to catch, and the average plimpie is two inches long. Plimpies are silvery blue, and can blend in with the water. Plimpies go very well Freshwater Plimpie Soup. They are eaten by electric eels, so they do not go into the ocean very much, but when they do, they are lucky that they can swim fast when threatened. They look very different then normal Lakewater Plimpies, which are spherical and have two long rubbery legs ending in webbed feet. Freshwater Plimpies are more like sky blue fish with a rather large nose. Freshwater Plimpies are rather plump and can be pan-fried as well as baked. Here is a Freshwater Plimpie Soup recipe for you and your family.

Ingredients: 2lbs of Freshwater Plimpies (after prepared, and cut into pieces), carrots (finely chopped), celery (finely chopped), ½ a Gurdyroot (finely chopped), water

Directions: Set a pot of water to boil. Once boiling, add the Plimpies. When the Plimpies are mostly cooked, add carrots, celery, and Gurdyroot. Cook until vegetables are soft and Plimpies and Gurdyroot are fully cooked. Makes 8-10 servings.

— Ura Squib


	7. Blibbering Humdingers

Blibbering Humdingers: Buzzing or Humming?

Blibbering humdingers…the finest natural instrument! You, however, will not control this music! The blibbering humdingers will! Blibbering humdingers are small, about the size of a galleon. They have tiny wings, the size of a Knut, one on either side of their body. They have a pointy, tiny beak which makes a humming, or buzzing sound to different tunes they have heard in their lifetime. So basically, if you start singing a Weird Sisters song in front of a blibbering humdinger, they will always be able to play that song by humming/buzzing whenever they wish.

Blibbering humdingers are rather hard to spot. They are so small, that you may not see them flying around. They usually come out between the hours of 5:00am and 3:00pm. Then they go away and sleep in hollowed out trees. Blibbering humdingers have families of about five. One mother, one father, and three children, typically. When baby blibbering humdingers get to be one year old, they leave their house and go find families of their own.

Many people have a debate over whether blibbering humdingers _hum, _or _buzz. _Some say, _'Of course they _hum_! That's why they're called blibbering _hum_dingers!' _Others beg to differ. _'It's not really a humming…it's more of a buzzing…it's deeper than humming, I think.'_ I have, however, found out which humdingers do. They hum. End of story. I asked Newt Scamander himself whether they hum or buzz, and he has informed me that they do, in fact, hum.

— Ura Squib


	8. Ask Luna

Ask Luna

Dear Luna,

I think someone in my class really hates me, and I hate her too. I want to put Nargles in her school bag, but I don't want the Nargles to know that I know they exist. What do I do?

-Prayn Kster

Dear Prayn Kster,

If you really want to prank your class mate, I recommend NOT using Nargles. Why involve yourself with them? You should try Wrackspurts.

-Luna

Too: Loona

Hy. I am for yeers old, and my mum reedz the Kwibler too mee.

Frum: Lil Tike

Dear Lil Tike,

I am happy that your mum reads the Quibbler to you. Enjoy the next issue!

-Luna

Luna-

I'm in love with you. Come marry me! Join me in life! I love you.

Love,

Weer Doh

Dear Weer Doh,

Uhhhhh… you shouldn't love me, you should love…er…a Wrackspurt! Yeah, a Wrackspurt. I have a restraining order against you.

-Luna

P.S. I was in the D.A. and the Head of the Auror Department is my friend, so leave me alone!


	9. Wrackspurts: Invisible Meddlers

Wrackspurts:

Invisible Meddlers

Wrackspurts. Few people know they exist, and many of those who do think they are either utter rubbish or silly little things that can't do any harm. Well they are dead wrong.

Wrackspurts are invisible little creatures that can only be seen by a human when one is delusional or invisible themselves. I myself have been lucky enough to see a Wrackspurt, write about this and get this article to the Quibbler Crew, though I was not so lucky when a Wrackspurt followed me to work and left my mind hazy all day. Wrackspurts are about a quarter the size of the popular Muggle candy, M&Ms. They are light blue with clear, rapidly fluttering wings that make a very faint humming noise. They have two red eyes and a trunk not unlike an elephant's (a Muggle animal trained to do tricks in a circus, another Muggle thing that Muggles seem to find funny).

When Wrackspurts fly near you, they will head for your ear. They fly into the ear hole and lodge themselves onto your brain. They will then make your mind go hazy for some amount of time ranging from a few seconds to an entire day.

To make Wrackspurts stay away, I suggest performing the Bubble-Head charm and use it all day. It will prevent Wrackspurts from getting to your ears. It may look a little silly at times, but if you convince other people to wear it, it might become the next fashion statement!

So follows these steps and forever be Wrackspurt-free!

Ima Witch


	10. So You Want to Be a Death Eater

**A/N: We DID NOT write this. We found it on MuggleNet .com. We don't know who wrote it, but is very good and extremely funny!**

**So You Want to Be a Death Eater...**

**Your guide to everything evil! **

Greetings, new follower:

If you are reading this letter then you have doubtless been accepted into the select band of professional wizards known as the Death Eaters. If by some unprecedented chance you are reading this and you have not been accepted into the Death Eaters then I suggest you put down this letter and leave now, or the consequences for you will be as terrible as my lifelong study into the Dark Arts can make them.

Please find enclosed a short introductory guide to Death Eating, which you must memorize and then eat, to prevent security leaks. (Due to an unfortunate fatality last week, it is now permitted to cut the guide into small pieces before swallowing).

The next meeting is scheduled for midnight, 11th June, when I trust we will have the pleasure of watching your initiation ceremony. Please remember to bring a clean handsaw and enough twine. It's so distressing when people don't prepare for these events properly.

Yours in infamy,

_**Lord Voldemort**_

So You Want To Be A Death Eater?

Welcome to this helpful guide to being a Death Eater. This leaflet should provide you with all the information you need to become a successful servant to the Dark Lord. It will if you know what's good for you. Please read every page before eating.

**Aims of the society:**

World peace   
To be evil  
To conquer the world  
Elimination of all Muggles  
Elimination of all Mudbloods  
Elimination of Albus Dumbledore & the Order of the Phoenix  
Elimination of (miscellaneous)  
To serve Lord Voldemort (that's me!)  
To create sanctuaries for endangered breeds of snakes  
This statement is a lie.

**List of Equipment required for new Death Eaters:**

(Equipment marked must be obtained from Messers. Gorgon & Black Limited, outfitters to the intensely evil and terminally stylish since 12 BC. Their premises are on Knockturn Alley, but they now do mail order as well.)  
Long Black Robes (Casual)   
Long Black Robes (Smart)   
Short Black Robes (for summer wear)   
Long Black cloak (silk is preferable to velvet, as it is much more absorbent)   
Black mask (informal)  
Black mask (sequined)  
Black boots (Stiletto heels are no longer permitted)   
Black leather gloves (barbed wire ornamentation optional)   
Wand  
Extra wand in case of losing first wand  
Plastic imitation wand in case of losing Extra wand

Cane (For favored members only.) Unauthorized possession of a cane will result in a heavy fine. Before possessing cane, it is necessary to pass a rigorous series of tests to ascertain that your carrying-a-cane-in-a-nonchalant-yet-evil-fashion skills are up to scratch).  
Coffin  
Dueling sword   
Disguise kit, containing: Nun's outfit, false beard, beekeeping veil, Muggle policeman's costume, etc.   
Saw  
Assorted chains  
Handcuffs   
Pointy stick

**Recommended Reading:**

_Curses and Counter-Curses_ by Professor Vindictus Viridian  
_Evil: A Beginners Guide _by Professor E. Maledict  
_The Illustrated Torturer's_ handbook by Bellatrix Black  
_What Not to Wear in the Torture Chamber_ by Narcissa Malfoy  
_Sex, Lies, and Unforgivable Curses: The Authorized Biography of Lord Voldemort_ by Peter Pettigrew  
_Caring For Your New Tattoo: An Informative Guide _St. Mungo's Hospital Skin Department

Death Eater may also own snake or dragon or hippogriff. But only Lord Voldemort may possess a basilisk.

**Death Eater Rules:**

No Death Eater shall be a spy for Dumbledore.

No Death Eater shall play the harmonica.

All Death Eaters must be proficient in the Dark Arts: murder, Unforgivable Curses, yodeling etc. An annual examination will be made to make sure that all members are up to scratch.

No Death Eater shall behave with integrity unless it is a genuine accident.

A Death Eater must be pureblooded.

No Death Eater must ever mention that the Dark Lord himself is not pureblooded.

No Death Eater may kill another Death Eater without a very good reason.

All Death Eaters shall answer Lord Voldemort's summons immediately. (Unless you are having a shower, in which case it is permitted to don a bath robe first.)

All Death Eaters shall have vaguely sinister surnames.

All Death Eaters shall overtake on the left.

**Frequently Asked Questions:**

What happens if Voldemort is displeased with me?

_As this is a fairly run (and currently short-staffed) organization, you will probably receive a warning. And some soul-destroying torture. A second offense and you will probably die a slow death. Options include:_

_Being slowly eaten by a manticore._

_Being dissolved in a vat of basilisk venom._

_Gradual impalement on your own wand._

_Death by Mandrake (according to season)._

_The Pancake curse. (This newly developed spell will carve you into wafer-thin slices. Victims killed in this way are traditionally cooked in hot fat and served with maple syrup or lemon juice at Death Eater feasts.)_

_Being flayed alive and used as a life-sized glove puppet at Death Eater children's parties. _

_Avada Kedavra (if we're in a hurry/feeling rather unimaginative). _

What should I do if I decide to leave the organization?

_Make your funeral arrangements as quickly as possible._

(See above)

What is the salary like?

_You should be in this job for the principle of the thing, not for sordid reasons. So let's just say that it's much, much better than they pay at the Ministry. There will also be opportunities for pillage, looting, theft, etc., and Christmas bonuses are guaranteed. _

Does the Dark Mark hurt?

_Of course it does; this is an evil society after all. What are you, a wimp?_

Can the Dark Mark be removed by laser treatment?

_No. Only a moron would ask such a stupid question._

But it can be temporarily obscured by a good-quality concealer. (Make sure it's a shade darker than your skin tone, as a lighter shade will simply draw attention to the tattoo. Pat translucent powder over the concealer to make it last longer.)

Is there a retirement age for Death Eaters?

_You probably won't live long enough to have to deal with this problem._

Can I kill personal enemies or just opponents of Voldemort?

_Murder is encouraged on principle; however, personal killings should be reserved for each individual Death Eater's free time, as obviously serving Lord Voldemort is much more important. Occasional massacre outings/ dark revels may take place as rewards for good (i.e. bad) behavior._

What should I do if Voldemort is defeated at the height of his powers by a one-year-old boy?

_This circumstance is so unlikely that there is no point devising a protocol to deal with it._

**The Death Eater Anthem** (to be memorized by each new recruit as soon as possible). Please note that this tune should never, never, never, never be sung to the tune of "Blackadder," an inane Muggle television program to which we are completely oblivious and never watch. Honestly.

_Who lurk beneath the undergrowth?  
When all is dim and dark?  
Who murder people in their beds  
Or sometimes in the park?  
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!  
Our blood is pure as pure!  
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!  
We all love Voldemort!  
We serve the Dark Lord every day,  
We're always very loyal  
And if with us you don't agree  
We'll boil you in hot oil!  
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!   
We're evil as can be!  
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!  
But if we're scared we'll flee!  
Our curses are incredible.  
We're known for our Morsmordres  
And though our leader is insane  
We always follow orders.  
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!  
We're wickedness collective!  
Death Eaters! Death Eaters!  
Yet rather ineffective!_

**Health and Safety:**

Being a Death Eater is naturally a dangerous job. Lord Voldemort accepts no liability for any pain/suffering/torture/impalement/loss of limbs/grievous bodily harm/disintegration/insanity/imprisonment/loss of soul/death which you may experience while in his service. No good will come of any attempts to sue him as a negligent employer. Trust us.

However, in order to protect members, these safety guidelines have been developed for Death Eaters both during leisure time and on missions for the Dark Lord:

_Don't try to take out Harry Potter yourself. It is extremely presumptuous. Leave it to Lord Voldemort, who has much more practice._

_Employ masterly deceit to conceal your allegiance to the Dark Lord: e.g., if someone accuses you of being a Death Eater, laugh carelessly and say: "No, I am not a Death Eater. Would you like a cup of tea?" This Machiavellian trickery should be enough to convince them. _

_If this does not convince your accuser, have them discreetly murdered. (Sussex and Fox Ltd, of 13, Knockturn Alley, run a very efficient assassination service and is currently offering cut-price deals for friends and associates of the Dark Lord. Present your membership card at the counter for further details.) _

_Keep your wand on you at all times, even if you are asleep/on a hot date/in the bath/on the beach/wearing very tight-fitting leather garments (or all of these at once)._

_Ostentatious indicators of evil, such as manic laughter/dressing entirely in black swooshy robes (Snape, this means you)/ making sinister comments/killing people should be practiced only in private. _

_If you suspect someone of being a spy, kill them and their family at the first opportunity. If it turns out they were not a spy at all, pass it off as a light-hearted practical joke._

_Only eat food prepared by yourself or your faithful minions. Do not trust your spouse(s)/partner(s), no matter how pretty he/she/they may be._

_Similarly, do not accept drinks from anyone. This may cause offense when visiting a pub or bar but it's better than being dead. Obviously._

_Do not take off your mask for any reason while on a mission. If people see your face while you are conjuring the Dark Mark/ massacring etc, they may suspect that you are a Death Eater._

_Do not try to smoke while wearing your mask, as it is not fireproof._

_Never address your colleagues by name while on a mission. Survivors may recall it at a later date. For the same reason, never mention your address or telephone number to anyone you are kidnapping/raping/torturing/killing, no matter how attractive they may be. Evil relationship experts have stated that romance is unlikely to flourish under such circumstances anyway. _

_Burn all sensitive documents. Not only will this deter spies, it is also amusing as it contributes to global warming._

_Set up an anti-Apparating spell round your residence (but make sure you have a Portkey handy so you're not embarrassingly trapped there if the place is attacked by Aurors)._

_Prepare a secret hideout for yourself should your cover be blown. Failure to do this may lead to your sharing a hideout with another Death Eating family, which often results in friction over use of bathroom facilities, television, etc. _

_Don't upset Lord Voldemort. It will only end in tears. (And multiple burns, fractured limbs, mortal torment, etc.)_


	11. Voldemort's Secret Love Affair

**Voldemort's Secret Love Affair**

He's famous for his talent for murder and mastery of evil, known as the Dark Lord. But is he also the Lord of Love? It's been speculated that he and a Bellatrix Lestrange have a relationship more than just employee and evil mastermind, but is there another woman in Voldie's life? Our sources have found out that there in fact _is_, and that woman is none other than Minerva McGonagall, professor of Transfiguration at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. They seem to have been seeing each other for some time, unknown to the well-known and widely respected elderly wizard named Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, the current and most celebrated Headmaster of Hogwarts and Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot. We immediately sent a reporter to interview the Dark Lord about his feelings for McGonagall.

**Reporter:** Is it true that you're romantically involved with Professor McGonagall?

**Voldemort: **How did you find me!? _AVADA KEDAVRA!_

Sadly, this valued reporter was found on our doorstep minus his heart, intestines and liver. We did not find anything contributing to the story, though we _did_ find a note saying how much Voldemort loves _The Quibbler_ and how he can't wait for the next issue (right on, Voldie!). But when he found out we were planning to have him questioned, Voldemort sent us an envelope containing an as yet unknown Dark curse that destroyed much of our building and killed almost all of our editorial staff. This was taken as a message that he would rather we not delve any farther into his secret life. After clearing the wreckage, another reporter was sent to get McGonagall's side of the story. She gave no comment and killed the man with a cactus transfigured into a medieval axe. As this was our sole remaining reporter, more information will be delayed, but fear not! We _will_ bring you the rest of the story.

Next issue: Harry Potter's view on his teacher dating his arch nemesis.

-I. M. Voll D'mortt


	12. Halloween: The True Story

Halloween

The True Story of How it Came to Be

Halloween. It is celebrated throughout the world. In most places, it is celebrated with a feast. But in the United States, it is celebrated very differently: with candy and costumes and scary decorations. Many people say it was started by Muggles. But I beg to differ. It was started by wizards. How you ask? Here is how.

Back in the seventeenth century, many wizards and witches were being tortured and burned by Muggles. But you're thinking, "How does one be tortured by a Muggle?" They were deprived of their wand by skilled Muggles. Witches and wizards had to think of something to stop this. Then a witch living in Maine named Ihav N. I. Dea had the answer.

She had twelve children, as was the custom then. They all lived with Muggles and were unsuspected by their neighbors that they were magic. She decided to hold a meeting for all the Muggles in the village. She told them that if everyone dressed up like magical monsters and wizards and witches and ghosts the wizards and they would leave them alone. The wizards would think that they were all in danger of the Muggles' precautions and would leave to go live somewhere else. She of course consulted the wizards and witches in the town about this and told them to play along. All of her children then helped all the Muggle children make costumes for the occasion. Everyone put up things like gravestones and fake skeletons around their homes as they were believed to scare away evil. (The skeletons were magically made by I. Dea, for they had no ways to make them back then.)

On October 31, 1641, the town came out of their homes in costumes. They went to each others homes and gave each other sugar coated food, as sugar was believed to be deadly to wizards. As planned by Ihav, all the witches and wizards, disguised with clever charms, pretended to run away while the Muggles through candy. They all came back as their normal selves and nobody suspected a thing. Everyone was just so happy that the evil witches and wizards were 'gone' from their lives. The people of that quaint village in Maine never hunted another witch or wizard again, as long as they had their special day to rid them selves of magic.

This custom spread throughout the countries and was repeated every year by the Muggles as they believed it would keep them safe. There were less and less wizard burnings until finally they stopped. The wizards and witches were safe from harm.

Over the years, the true meaning of Halloween has been lost to many. It became a Muggle custom to celebrate it, and it was modernized throughout the years. Now people celebrate it for joy, as no Muggles believe in magic. The witches and wizards of the world are no longer hunted, all thanks to Ihav N. I. Dea. As for how it was called 'Halloween', I have no idea, but still, it is a great custom and fun for all people, Magic or Muggle, to get together and celebrate, even if it is celebrating how the Muggles got rid of magic. But since nobody knows that that is why they celebrate it, it is all in good fun. So this Halloween, give a little appreciation to Miss Ihav N. I. Dea.

-By Hal O'Wean


	13. Charlie Vs Ron: DEATHMATCH

Mar

CHARLIE VS. RON: **DEATHMATCH**

Charlie The Unicorn, a well-known unicorn shown on the Muggle computer web-site YouTube with his "friends" Pink and Blue with their seemingly possessed voices and their catchphrases, such as "We're going to Candy Mountain," and "It's a magical bridge, of hope and wonder," is the mortal enemy of a young wizard named Ronald Weasley. Charlie had been living his newly single-kidneyed life on the Hogwarts campus, when he saw the most beautiful witch he had ever seen. This witch, both brainy and beautiful, was Hermione Granger, supposedly Ron's girlfriend. Charlie and Ron had been fighting non-stop about Miss Granger for the past month. Hermione, although pleased by this affection, could not stand their bickering any longer, and contacted us about this. An inside source immediately went for Ron's view on this story.

"She's my girlfriend," stated Ron. "I have known her ever since a few hours after I boarded the Hogwarts train for my first year." Another source went for Charlie's opinion.

"Has Hermione ever actually stated that Ron was, in fact, her boyfriend?" argued Charlie. "No. And Hermione has been seeing me secretly for the past few weeks." He then stopped and asked the reporter to edit that last sentence out of this article. We, of course, refused.

An unnamed Hogwarts student stated, "Hermione should have a say in this. The fight _is_ about her." We immediately went for Hermione's opinion.

"I have to say that no, Ron is not my boyfriend," she replied. "But I also have to say that neither is Charlie." Puzzled, we asked for more. "I have to say that the person that I am in love with is...Draco Malfoy." Stunned and confused, we then went to question Malfoy.

"Yes, Hermione is, in fact,_ my_ girlfriend," he said, rather smugly. "We have loved each other for years, and have been secretly dating for the past couple years. Whatever that blasted unicorn told you about him seeing Hermione is a lie."

Both Ron and Charlie were stunned by this information. It has been confirmed that they have now joined together to attack a new common enemy: Draco Malfoy.

Written By U. R. A. Piximann


	14. MinYin

Mar

**Min-Yin: Good Broom or Evil Minion? **

Shocking news: a young broommaker has invented a broom to take over the world. Charles Sweep, 32, is the creator of a new broom, the Min-Yin. While they may sound harmless, the Min-Yin is a very dangerous broom. The name is actually very clever because Min-Yin sounds like 'minion' and the brooms are actually Sweep's minions. These brooms are no ordinary brooms. They have a spell cast on it that the brooms actually live and listen to the commands of their creator. Here is how the process works.

The brooms have a magic-made mind inside the handle. Whoever touches the handle will have a mild electric shock sent through their body, meddling with the mind and forcing the victim to obey Sweep's orders.

As this is a very popular, fast broom, many people own a Min-Yin. So that means dozens a day are converted to obey their master. Take these words of caution: if you ever see a Min-Yin, destroy it immediately. No matter the consequences, you have done wizardkind a favor.

Ima Witch


	15. My Long Lost Brother is a Mass Murderer

Mar

_**My Long Lost Brother is a Mass Murderer**_

If shocking new information were a business, this startling news would be its head employee. Sarah Riddle, resident of Little Hangleton, England, has just confirmed that she is, in fact, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named's half-sister.

"My father is the late Tom Riddle Senior of Little Hangleton," said Sarah at Tuesday's press conference. "That may mean very little to you if you didn't know Voldie as well as I do. His full name is actually Tom Marvolo Riddle. His father is my father, which means I am his little sister."

A reporter for the _Daily Prophet_ inquired, "How can you be sure about this?" She replied, "I had just had been researching Tom for years. You see, he had murdered my – our – father. I had to know why. So I researched him for fifty years, finally cracking the case."

A journalist for _Witch Weekly_ demanded, "How do you think your brother would feel if he knew he had a little sister?" She hesitated, then simply stated, "I cannot answer that."

If you would think that you could stop You-Know-Who by telling him about his sister, then if you ever see him, shove this article in his face.

Written By U. R. A. Piximann


	16. Gnomes: Lucky and Lovable

Mar

**Gnomes: Lucky & Lovable!**

Many wizards consider garden gnomes to be a growing nuisance. They reproduce very quickly, so it seems like there are more and more each day. Nearly all wizards have garden gnomes in their gardens and often attempt to get them out. But what you don't know is that garden gnomes are very useful creatures.

If you happen to have garden gnomes in your garden, you are therefore lucky. Their scientific name is _Gernumbli Gardensi, _which, sounds a little bit like Gernumbli Garden! A Gernumbli Garden is a garden where garden gnomes thrive. If you have the time, you should visit that place someday!

Garden Gnomes have venom in their teeth which will benefit you greatly. If you get bit, do not clean the cut! Wonderful things will happen which you are bitten! You will sing opera, and recite poems in Mermish. For one day, your writing abilities will be enhanced. Do not repress it!

— Ura Squib


	17. Chocolate Frogs

Mar

Chocolate Frogs: Delicious or Deadly?

Wizards and witches and Muggles love candy. There's Halloween, where you trick-or-treat for _candy. _When you behave well, teachers sometimes reward you with _candy. _When your throat is sore and you don't feel like taking Pepperup Potion, you suck on _candy. _ So you see why candy has a great impact on most people's lives.

Wizard candy is different than Muggle candy. Wizards have all sorts of spells and enchantments on their candy, while Muggles don't. So it is easy to pass off a dangerous candy as a special effect candy in the wizarding world. Several examples of popular magical sweets include: Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans, Fizzing Whizbees, Licorice Wands, Sugar Quills, Cockroach Clusters, Acid Pops, Drooble's Best Blowing Gum, and Chocolate Frogs.

These candies are perfectly safe. If you eat an acid pop, it _will _burn a hole through your tongue, but the hole is only temporary, or, if you don't want it to be there for a while, you can fix it with a simple mending charm. All special effect candies are designed to be safe enough.

However, recent studies have shown that chocolate frogs are no longer safe. Lord Voldemort had recently found out how popular these candies were, and decided to take over the company! He must have looked in the _Daily Prophet's _Popular Candy Poll, where the percentage of people who liked chocolate frogs best as their favorite candy was fifty percent! Half the wizarding world!

So we sent people over to the chocolate frog factory, where chocolate frogs are made and enchanted. Our reporter walked up to one of the workers and asked, "Excuse me, but what are the ingredients in your chocolate frogs?"

He replied, in a slightly robotic tone, "Cannot give information. Must make frogs. Must make frogs. Must make-" Well, you get the point.

It seems as if the workers are under the Imperius Curse! We can only hope that the Chocolate Frog Factory will return to normal soon. Until then, avoid chocolate frogs at all costs!

— Ura Squib


	18. The Problem With Quidditch

Mar

The Problem with Quidditch

Do you play Quidditch? Have you ever seen a Quidditch match? Do you know someone that plays Quidditch? Do you know what Quidditch is? The likelihood is that you will answer "yes" to one of these questions. If not it is highly unlikely that you will understand this article, so you might as well put _The Quibbler _down right now.

Now back to business. Quidditch is a very old sport, and has changed over the course of time. The way we play Quidditch now is this:

There are four balls; the Quaffle, which the Chasers use to throw through the three hoops at the end of the pitch, which give them a point. Keepers try to block Chasers from scoring. The Bludgers are balls which fly around by themselves, trying to knock people off their brooms, and the Beaters use bats to hit them at people on the other team. Lastly, there's the Golden Snitch which is a tiny walnut-sized ball that is very fast and very difficult to see. The Seeker has to catch it and when he/she does, the game is over and the team who's Seeker catches the Snitch gets 150 points. There are three Chasers, one Keeper, two Beaters, and one Seeker.

Many people watch or play this game. But did you know that it is dangerous? Quidditch can damage your brain if you play too much, and you will _constantly _think of Quidditch. Your last words before you die will be _'I love Quidditch!'_ Unfortunately, once you attain this damage, there is no cure or treatment.

Also, even if you don't get the damage, you can get Loser's Lurgy. Loser's Lurgy is something that makes you play badly if you lose a lot or are losing.

Therefore, you should play little to no Quidditch. If you don't want yourself to be mentally brain damaged, that is.

— Ura Squib


	19. Treacle Tarts: Are They Really Worth It?

Mar

**Treacle Tarts: Are They Really Worth ****I****t****?**

Have you ever heard the saying that if you eat too many watermelons you'll become one? You may not think that's true. You'd be correct if we were talking about watermelons, but it _is_ true with treacle tarts! Your skin will become pastry-like and your blood will be treaclely goo! You will become irresistibly delicious and start to eat yourself! You'll be chased around by masses of treacle-tart-loving mobs! You may ask, "How many do I have to eat to become one?" The answer is seven hundred seventy-seven. Why? Because seven is the most magical number there is, in life and in treacle tarts, and when multiplied by 111, it is extremely powerful. It may seem very unlikely to eat seven hundred seventy-seven treacle tarts, but they _can_ become very addicting, and have very drastic effects. So we tracked down someone who _is _a treacle tart. He is a thirty-four year old man named Iluv D'Zertt. We found him living his…er…slightly abnormal life in a pasty shop in Wales. Sadly, his left arm was missing because he had eaten it before he knew it was his arm. "I really didn't expect this," D'Zertt told us sincerely (we had to listen extremely carefully to hear him). "No one told me that this would happen! Treacle tarts are impossible to resist!" Well, we couldn't blame him, as treacle tarts _are_ the most delectable treats on the planet, but is a treacle tart worth becoming one? So we went around, asking many people whether they thought so. Most said yes, though some, to our surprise, gave us thoroughly weird looks. One interviewee even said, 'Get away from me, you mad women!' Even Harry Potter is a huge fan of these delectable treats, so we asked him, "Which would you rather have: a platter of lovely home-made treacle tarts or your girlfriend, Ginny Weasley?" He sat down to ponder that for a moment. Then he replied, "I have absolutely no idea." So we left, and heard his girlfriend shouting at him and a clatter followed by a cry of pain and shriek and a bang behind us as we walked away (see _Daily Prophet _for full story on that). So is it _really_ worth it? It's up to you to decide: would you rather eat a tart or save your part?

Ura Squib & Ima Witch


	20. Voldemort in Muggle Jail

Mar

**Voldemort in Muggle Jail**

Yesterday evening, we got a peculiar call. A wizard, who will remain unnamed, visiting with Muggle relatives, was looking through their newspaper when he came across a report of a "strange, pale, snake-like man" who had been arrested earlier that day. It when on to describe the prisoner as a "very unkind" and "maybe even evil". The prisoner seemed to uncannily resemble He-Who-Must-not-Be-Named. Intrigued, the wizard visited the nearby prison in hopes of sating his curiosity. Imagine his surprise when he arrived to find the Dark Lord sitting in a cell! "'E was jus' sittin' there, all angry-like. Sometimes 'e'd shout a curse or two, but 'e din't 'ave 'is wand." says our unnamed source. When he inquired as to what crime the most evil of wizards had committed, the guard replied that he was arrested for littering! Apparently, that morning he was walking in the park eating a candy bar when he came across a sign reminding people not to litter. In spite, he immediately threw the wrapper on the ground. Unfortunately for him, an old woman out walking her cat spotted him and demanded that he pick it up. When he raised his wand to hex her, she yelled at him not to point "that stick" at her, and whacked him with her purse, sending his wand flying and knocking him out. She than called the police, who brought him in to jail. Later, when a squad of wizards came to bring him to Azkaban, they found that he was gone. When asked what happened, the same guard said that he'd served his sentence of one day and been released.

By I. M. Voll D'mortt


	21. Searching for Love

Mar

Searching for Love

Young single man seeks young lovely witch.

Interests: Music, Herbology, and exotic pets from around the world.

Notes: Is obsessed with snakes.

Floo Artie Choak for more details.

**Beautiful witch, age 19, seeks charming wizard. **

**Interests: Boys, flirting, boys, shoes, boys, shopping, and boys.**

**Notes: Will not date a man with a large nose, hairy moles, a unibrow, uncontrollable amounts of foot odor, or a hairy back.**

**Floo Pritt T. Girrl for more info.**

Young moron seeks idiotic girl.

Interests: None.

Notes: May drool.

Floo Stu Pidd for more information.

**Evil snakelike man seeks equally evil witch.**

**Interests: Horcruxes, curses of any kind (particularly unforgivable), slow, painful murder, Muggle shopping magazines.**

**Notes: Do not upset, or pay dearly.**

**Don't bother Flooing, I'll know if you're interested.**


	22. Remembering the Dead

Mar

Remembering the Dead

Shirley A. Menniss, Age 33.

Cause of Death: Murdered by 5 year old boy.

Died: October 13, 1997

Quote on Grave: _"Little Children are completely insane."_

Lily and James Potter, Age 21.

Cause of Death: Murdered by Voldemort.

Died: October 31, 1981

Quote on Grave: _"The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death."_

Bonnie N. Klyd,

Age 35.

Cause of Death:

Shot by police after robbery of a Muggle shoe store.

Died: October 15, 1986

Quote on Grave: _"You'll never take me alive, coppers!"_

Ivanna Tinkle,

Age 69.

Cause of Death: Bladder explosion, caused by lack of peeing.

Died: October 27, 2001

Quote on Grave: _"I gotta pee!"_

Carrie Dryve,

Age 17

Cause of Death: Car crash influenced by drunk driver.

Died: October 3, 2004

Quote on Grave: _"Oh my God, a giant truck is about to hit me!"_

Hugh Jass,

Age 37.

Cause of Death:

Suffocation caused by multiple enlargement spells on butt.

Died: October 10, 1972

Quote on Grave:_ "My butt is SO not this big!"_


	23. Voldemort for President

Mar

Voldemort For President

A very odd piece of information has recently reached us. The Dark Lord is running for president of the United States. After his release from Muggle prison, he's recently become the Republican candidate for the 2008 election. It seems that his late entrance has caused a stir among Muggles, and quite a few seem to be supporting his campaign.

However Voldemort isn't the only late candidate. It seems that Cthulhu, the ageless, giant, god-like high priest to the Great Old Ones, who had ruled the world before the dawn of humanity, has woken up in the city of R'lyeh, where he had previously lain 'dead but dreaming', and decided that the United States needed a better leader than a mere mortal. It seems that his main campaign plan is to drive insane, and/or eat all opposition. Or maybe that's just what He does for fun, it's hard to tell. Here are two of the campaign strategies:

Here shown is a "Republicans for Voldemort" bumper sticker

**Cthulhu for President. Why vote for a lesser evil?**

**Cthulhu should return from his slumber to take over the U.S. government and make this country a whole hell of a lot better as the leader of our executive branch. Or destroy it and drive everyone insane, kill us all, or something really nasty! Remember, Cthulhu for President, why vote for the lesser of two evils?**

When Voldemort and Cthulhu met, the Dark Lord's initial response was, "Er..." Fortunately (for him) at that moment, a government official arrived to inform both of them that since Voldemort is British, and Cthulhu is from an unknown dimension beyond the stars outside of time, neither were legal US citizens, and so could not run for President. His last words were, "Not even supremely powerful Dark wizards and nearly all-powerful, malicious monsters can defy the Constitution." He was promptly cursed, then eaten.

However, the Dark Lord decided to drop out of the campaign in order to try _yet again_ to kill a 17 year old boy, and Cthulhu got bored and decided to terrorize/maim/kill/eat everyone in another part of the world.

-I. M. Voll D'mortt


	24. Ministry Tips for Halloween

Mar

Ministry Tips for Halloween

When around Muggles, here are tips to enjoy a safe and non-law-breaking Halloween.

1. NEVER use magic to trick a Muggle. It will just end up in chaos.

2. Do NOT bewitch pumpkins to attack little children. It is against the law and is extremely cruel to children, Muggle or Magic.

3. Do NOT use magic to take candy. It is evil and will result in a fine.

4. If planning to be a witch, do NOT fly around on a broom. Muggles can't do that.

5. Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, dress up as Lord Voldemort. It will just end with your death and innocent blood on our hands.

6. Do NOT reveal the fact that there are wizards hiding among Muggles by doing something insane, such as flying a car above hundreds of Muggles. This goes for anytime and should not have to be a reminder. Honestly.

Follow these tips and enjoy a perfect Halloween!


	25. BONUS!

Mar

**BONUS ADS! Okay, here are the ads that appeared in The Quibbler. They are much better with the graphics we had, but they're still awesome!**

CALLING

ALL WITCHES!

Do YOU think Witches aren't being given enough credit for things they have done? There are a lot of great witches in the world! Many witches make it onto Chocolate Frog cards! If you wanna have a say in what witches can do, let's show them! Floo E. Vill Plann at 666 Witch Street!

**Christmas already?**

**Time to get out the mistletoe!**

**What great fun!**

**Just watch out for Nargles!**

**They will mess with your mind!**

Cockroach Clusters!

A disgusting blend of

pure cockroaches

and caramel!

**Here seen is Uncle Sam with Voldie's head**

**I want YOU to join the Death Eaters!**

Do you ever feel that yo want

to know how our biggest hero is doing?

Well tune in to Potterwatch today to hear

All you need to know about Harry Potter!

For more information floo to "Potter's

awesome" and ask for "the boss" for

more information and the password.

**Everyone needs more frog spawn! Get it today**

**by owl posting us at Frog Spawn Co. or looking for our store down on Elephant and Castle!**

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Canary Creams!

Extendable Ears!

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U-No-Poo!

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**SNORKACK SIGHTING GOGGLES!**

**See Invisible Crumple-Horned Snorkacks!**

**(Does not work on Wrackspurts)**

Freshwater Plimpies!

Found in your local streams!

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**Come to WIZARDS R US**

**for the finest wizardry toys,**

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**it all! From Gobstones to toy**

**potion-making kits! You name**

**the toy; we have the toy here at**

**Wizards R Us! Floo 1-800-**

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Make your own Horcrux!

A Step-by-step Guide

to the Darkest of Arts!

Floo 'Ultimate Doom' Today!

**NARGLES!**

**WATCH OUT!**

**THEY WILL WRECK YOUR LIFE!**

Summon Us Together - The perfect dating service for lonely witches and wizards! You'll find each other within the hour! It's only five galleons! Think of other services like Charm My Heart. You'd have to pay triple that amount for them! Join today, be engaged tomorrow!

**Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans!**

**A RISK WITH EVERY MOUTHFUL!**

The

Floo Network!

Go anywhere with the power of Floo!

**Come to…**

**Flourish**

**and**

**Blotts**

**Down in Diagon Alley!**

**We've got all your quality books!**

Elect Percy Weasley as Minister of Magic!

He will make the world a better place!

More boring.


End file.
